Many of us who practice the principles of Unconditional Love experience feeling loved for who we really are — flaws and all — for the first time in our life. We discover that we are worthy and lovable. We begin to learn new Truths about life. We learn that our worth isn’t earned. And that we are lovable — no matter how many mistakes we make.
At first you may feel invincible and loved all the time. Eventually something happens that reminds you of your past and Bam! you’re back to feeling like a child who’s living in a world where you are alone and unloved again. You start to believe old lies without even realizing it. You believe you are stupid for making a mistake, or bad for not trusting and feeling loved all the time. You feel unlovable and ashamed, so much so that you may even want to run and hide from the people who say they love you unconditionally.
The lies feel like Truth or actual reality because we were told they were true hundreds or even millions of times in our early years. We were told with words or sometimes only with the unloving actions of our caregivers. Our brain gets confused. It seems like it must be true because we believed it was true our whole life, until recently. We were told by parents or caregivers that we weren’t good enough. We were given the message that we needed to change in order to be loved. We needed to be better and stop making mistakes or love would be withdrawn from us. Or we were taught the biggest lie of all — that there’s something inherently wrong with us and we’ll never be lovable.
The work that we get to do, if we want to be happier, is to replace the old lies with the new Truth. And that’s not easy! Let me emphasize that we don’t need to change to be lovable, but if we choose to make some changes, we can definitely learn to be happier.
Learning to change the old lies in our head is sort of like training a dog or other domestic animal. They don’t get it the first time they are told how to do something new. They need lots of repetition, combined with lots of love, to learn new things. And so do we. An animal will revert to bad behavior when they get scared or overly excited. And so do we. Not because the animal is stupid, but because it’s instinct to bite, chase, jump etc. And for us humans we learned very early on to protect ourselves with behaviors that almost felt like instinct. They aren’t really instinct though. The behaviors are something we learned from the adults around us. Lacking any other role models to learn about life from, we think it’s the only way to survive. Like animals survive by reverting to their old instincts.
But we are teachable, just as much as any animal. Childhood lies that lead to emotional wounds can heal. We CAN change!
Lasting change takes work and requires a lot of repetition with loving support. We can choose to be gentle with ourselves during this process of healing and change, with recognition that no creature changes a lifetime of behavior habits quickly. When a dog makes a mistake, it doesn’t help to yell at it and call it bad. It will just cower and get scared, and probably try to hide its bad habits in the future. It’s most effective to talk firmly and kindly, with understanding, while reminding it of the happier behavior choices.
We can learn to talk to ourselves that way also. Gentle and firm, compassionate, kind. Reminding ourselves of what’s really True.
And if we can’t remember what’s True, then we get help from someone else who can. This is when it’s helpful to have a coach to support you while you’re making changes and the old lies are pulling at you. You can also get on one of the weekly conference calls, or try reaching out to a loving friend, and tell them about the lies you are believing.
Maybe reading this blog will help you remember the Truth about how lovable you are, that you’re already good enough! We all need help remembering what’s True many, many times. The old lies were taught to us so often, when we were so young, and probably continued our whole life. They are so deeply ingrained in us that we don’t even recognize them as lies. They just feel like “what is.” This is why we need each other on this journey of healing and change.
It may take your whole life to heal, but that’s no problem. There’s no need to do it by yourself and get it right.
You’re perfectly lovable Just The Way You Are, right now. Any place on your journey. You are worth loving ❤
Kim Grindell, Unconditionally Loving Guide